Random thoughts...

Some thoughts on a beautiful Friday morning...

1. A friend of color once told me that white people smell like wet dog when they're waterlogged (as in, out in the rain). I think she was right.
2. If you do something wrong, don't complain about the consequences. For example, a student was standing outside my office (on a public hallway telephone) trying to figure out why the Housing fine she got for an unspecified drinking violation wasn't recorded on her bill so that she could pay it. She was very irked that the person on the other end of the phone asked her for her ID number - "I thought this was supposed to be confidential - this is the least confidential situation I've ever had!" Two things occurred to me:
1. How else is that person supposed to look up your account and fix it?
2. You did something (most likely) idiotic and then are concerned people will find out about it - 'fess up and get over it. It happens in college.
3. I am simultaneously disturbed by and enamored with Lady Gaga's concept of a "disco stick," a term with which I was not familiar until a few weeks ago. 
4. I have for all intents and purposes finished my master's "action research"/thesis paper and I am tickled pink by it. But before you congratulate me, understand that it was not nearly as stressful and/or time-consuming as you might think - I actually enjoyed the process. I'm just that kind of gal.
5. A 12-oz cup of coffee has only 4 calories in it. It's the sugar you have to watch.
6. In a wonderful twist of fate, I discovered the other day that I have been taking for months half the dosage I was supposed to be taking of a medication that helps alleviate my appetite surges (caused by another medication I take). Thus, now that I am up to where I'm supposed to be, I may actually start to lose weight.
7. On a related note, if you're trying to lose weight, make sure you're getting enough fat in your diet. As I have learned by tracking what I eat, I actually have not been getting nearly enough fat in my diet. So even though I'm eating the right amount of calories and protein (let's not discuss carbs), I'm not doing myself any favors by eating the low-fat stuff. Who knew?!

More dispatches later, I'm sure.

t.

One-hundred-and-forty-three big ones.

And sadly, no, I'm not talking about money. In a shameless (and yet completely shameful) attempt to advertise my sorrows, I am telling the world (or at least the very small community that reads this blog) know how much...I WEIGH! I am just over five feet tall and somehow I've let myself gain nine pounds since last year.

I went to the doctor yesterday and since it had been awhile, the nurse made me step on the shiny new electronic scale. I didn't get the 134 I was expecting - imagine my shock and awe when I found that my BMI had slipped towards the border between merely overweight and obese. Like most people in denial, I also told myself that the BMI measure is innacurate and unhelpful when it comes to my fitness plans, but let's get real here, people. It's spot on in my case. And after seeing that, I was feeling very badly indeed over the Peanut Chews and Wawa stuffed cheddar cheese pretzel I had on my way to the doc's office.

To make matters worse, in addition to a check-up, I had to ask my doctor to sign a "permission slip" for me to volunteer at a local hospital - I want to get some clinical experience if I can. Of course he wanted to know why I was interested in that position so I told him about my whacky med school plans. And do you know what he said? Probably not. Well, it was this: "I'm going to try as hard as I can to convince you otherwise."

I love my doctor. That being said, I felt very let down by the response. After some thought, though, it dawned on me that he was testing me. I still can't figure out whether or not that was the case - we talked at some length about my plans and my view of becoming a doctor at this point in healthcare history. He was surprised I wanted to become a D.O. (he is also one) and he was even more surprised that I kind of already knew what I was getting myself into. He made sure to point out that he LOVES being a doctor and didn't want me to think otherwise, but that there's a certain level of risk in taking on that kind of insane debt (roughly triple what I have now) and then not being completely sure what the healthcare field holds in terms of future jobs and salaries.

He's right. My rational mind knows this, and yet my "irrational" mind is saying, "It's just a test." I think to some degree, he wants to keep working against me on this because he wants to see if I've really got what it takes to do the med school thing - he reassured me that he believes I can do it, all the while pointing out the challenges and difficulties (lots of time away from the fam, lots of money, lots of sleeplessness...but hey, I'm sort of used to the small-scale version of all those things). So if I was a little irritated at first, I found myself being more grateful as I left the office and drove home - because these are the questions I should be asking myself over and over again. I need people to challenge my views and intentions because how else will I know if this is really my intended path?

So the good thing is I'm still feeling positive about the decision. The less-good thing is that I'm nearly obese and must get on this diet/exercise thing ASAP. I can predict the response I'll get from some of my larger-than-me friends, and to them I would like to say this: Just because I'm smaller than you doesn't mean I, too, don't have to lay flat on my back to get my jeans buttoned, so jump on this bandwagon with me and be supportive, dammit!

t.

Time to get motivated!

Goals for this week:

1. Finish my action research thesis which I've only just discovered is due on Thursday...as in, THIS Thursday. I really should pay more attention to these things...
2. Start working on a diet/fitness plan. Does anyone want a doctor who's overweight, gets winded going up stairs, and has abs of flab? Probably not. (That's something like having a governor who claims to be concerned about children's health but is very obviously obese himself - and when he concentrates hard on something, his nose suddenly turns into a pig snout.)

So I've re-joined SparkPeople, which I think is a fantastic way of re-disciplining myself. This may have had something to do with the fact that my husband (loving as he may be most of the time) sacrificed his own desire for Ikea's Swedish meatballs because he knew if he got them, I was going back up for another little brekky. Yes, folks, it was his way of saying, "If I can do this, so can you!" True, I spent the rest of the day being a little ticked at him for so obviously pointing out my flawed view of food as the heavenly savior. But in the end, I realized it wasn't so much about him saying, "I don't want to be married to a fatty" as much as him saying, "I'm really tired of you complaining about your weight."

It's spring, the weather is mild and quite nice for exercising, and I have no excuses for not getting back on track with my health. Besides, I have to be in shape for med school, right? A flabby body = a flabby mind and I'm going to need all the neuro-muscles I can muster.

Because I'm a little competitive, I also joined the 8-week Women's Fitness Challenge, which doesn't officially start until May 9, the first day of National Women's Health Week. By then, I certainly should be in shape enough to compete. Anyone interested in forming a team with me?

In other news, I'm still waiting (with somewhat baited breath) to hear back about my pre-med program applications and whether or not everything has been received. This process has by no means been as difficult as the process of applying to graduate programs (didn't really need recommendation letters and official GRE scores for this round), so I'm hoping to know soon.

t.

Tell me how you REALLY feel (a.k.a., My reputation strikes again)

So the other day I'm on the phone with my mother (hi, mom!) and she says something to the effect of, "Well, since you've changed your mind again about what you want to do..." (yes, mom, I know that's not exactly what you said, but that was the general theme). I'm thinking, "Whaaaat is she talking about now?" (Yes, mom, I really do wonder sometimes.) Turns out she thought I shifted direction and wanted to be a bone doctor instead of a brain doctor - the whole D.O. instead of M.D. thing confused quite a few folks apparently. I used to wonder about that myself actually - the fact is that a doctor of osteopathy (hence, the D.O.) is not someone who focuses solely on bones, but on the body as a system. But the conversation still stuck with me, mostly because my mother did not IN THE SLIGHTEST sound surprised at what she perceived to be my fickleness exercising itself yet again.

To reiterate the point, the other day I was discussing medical school with my BFF and she said something like, "You should probably stick with a blog for more than a week before you decide to operate on people" (again, I paraphrase). She was joking (sort of), but that also stuck with me because it's true - I have crazy trouble maintaining a blog, Facebook account, or any consistent presence on the web outside of my email (which I'm not all that good at keeping up with either, actually).

Here's the thing - these are two people whose opinions are critical to what I do. OK, well critical might be a bit of an overstatement, but..."important" strikes me as a good word. I'm one of those people. You know the type. One of those annoying people who subsist almost entirely on external validation. One of those people who isn't very effective at self-motivating. One of those sad, somewhat lonely, and almost always disappointed people who looks at driven people and says, "Why can't I do that?" Not that I'm not driven to accomplish things - for instance, I'm really driven to make it to (and hopefully through) medical school - but my motivation is not often of the intrinsic type, if you get what I mean.

So the fact that my mom and my BFF jokingly question my ability to commit to this path really sounds like an "I'm not sure you can do this" to my overly sensitive, hardwired-to-fail brain. (Don't worry, guys, I know rationally this is not what you meant to say...I think.)

But I've decided that I'm going to start turning everything you know about Tara on its head, because not only do I believe I can do this without a doubt, I also am committing to sticking with this blog. GASP! I've done it, put it out there for my entire (somewhat small) Facebook community to see. So if I fail at keeping the blog, you can pretty much bet I will never make it to medical school :)

More later...

t.

I'm married to a school

After much research (and a tad bit of hair-pulling), I found what I think would be the ideal med school environment for me - UMDNJ's School of Osteopathic Medicine. Now here's the thing - it's partially a matter of convenience because it's the most cost-effective school for me and it's not terribly far from where I live now. But it's also got the best curriculum for me - I've decided that the M.D. isn't really for me, but the D.O. definitely is. The program involves a problem-based learning approach and offers rigorous training in the areas that interest me most. Also, I can't help but think how much this brings me full-circle - I was born in Stratford and if I have my way, I will obtain a medical degree in Stratford :) Life's a riot.

Of course everyone has to have backup plans - I have those, too. I like Philadelphia College of Osteopathic Medicine, which is very competitive and an all-around great school. They've got one of the only neurosurgery residencies on the east coast, too, which is right up my alley. I have other backup plans, too, but why bother looking past my first two dream schools? If you're gonna have a goal, at least treat it like it's a priority and there are no other options.

t.