In the last few weeks, I've noticed that quite a few of my Facebook friends have changed their relationship status to "It's complicated." I want to preface the following soapbox speech by pointing out that I love and respect all of those friends and I do not intend to insult you with my witty comments. So if you find yourself getting insulted, buck up and think long and hard before you send me hate emails.
That said, what the hell is wrong with you gals?! (And yes, of course, it's mostly gals who wear their hearts on their profiles.)
Here's the thing...I've had LOTS of those "it's complicated" relationships. More than I care to admit, actually. But when all is said and done, I think it's a whole lot of camel spit, maybe because of my many egregious dating sins. When I think back on those halfhearted love affairs, there are only a handful of personality types that have caused me grief - and let's not neglect to take responsibility for our own flaws, too.
The Pushover: He would do anything for you, but you just can't find it in you to respect him. It's awfully hard to dump someone who's so nice.
The Egomaniac: You would do anything for him, but he just can't find it in him (or see beyond his own face in the mirror) to respect you. It's awfully hard to let go of someone who treats you like dirt.
The Liar: You're waiting with baited breath for him to redeem himself OR you tell yourself it wasn't that big of a tall tale.
The Cheater: He likes girls...and girls...and girls. Where do we even begin here?!
The Secret Homosexual: He tells you he likes girls...hell, he probably believes he likes girls. But guess what? He likes your short hair for more than one reason.
What it seems to boil down to more often than not is our fear of being alone or of losing all that time we might have wasted with someone who wasn't really in it for the long haul. That's valid. But here's what I think.
There's no such thing as a complicated relationship. You either love him or you don't. You either trust him or you don't. You either respect him or...you get the picture. And all the same must go for him, too. There is no in-between when it comes down to brass tacks, ladies. These simple statements are core reflections of who the two of you are as a couple, and if you're missing one or more of the essential relationship components, you might as well move on. Because if you think you're going to regret wasting time when you dump him next week, you're really going to regret it in a year...or a decade.
There is, of course, such a thing as relationships with complications. Emotions are complicated. I don't always ::GASP:: adore my husband. Today I had a camera shoved down my throat by a trigger-happy doctor, I had a wicked allergy attack when I got home, and my sunburned knee still doesn't move right...and yet hubby thought it was okay to take his kid to a demolition derby without me. Sure, he asked me if I was alright with it at first and, like the kind and loving wife that I am (read: manipulative and fickle), I said it was perfectly fine. And as soon as he left, I moped around the house thinking how much it sucked to take care of myself.
But at the end of the day, complicated emotions work themselves out. There should never be the threat hanging over your head of losing the relationship because of a disagreement or pouty moment. And when I think of all those "it's complicated" moments in my own life, I don't recall one of them in which I was confident that no matter what, it would all be fine in the end. Even as a happily married woman, I can't always be sure that everything will turn out alright - there's no reason at all that my relationship is more likely to succeed than a decent cohabitation. The difference is that at every turn, I know we have those three critical elements of a good relationship and that if ever one of them disappears, we will mutually agree to go our separate ways. There is no threat looming at the end of every argument, but rather the comfort of knowing that we will do our best to keep things moving along in an orderly fashion.
Wake up and smell the coffee - you don't need "complicated" in your life! And if he insists you can't survive without it (i.e., him), then get the hell out of Dodge and find yourself a real cowboy.
*The preceding opinion applies equally well to men in "complicated" relationships. No need to be sexist here.
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