One-hundred-and-forty-three big ones.

And sadly, no, I'm not talking about money. In a shameless (and yet completely shameful) attempt to advertise my sorrows, I am telling the world (or at least the very small community that reads this blog) know how much...I WEIGH! I am just over five feet tall and somehow I've let myself gain nine pounds since last year.

I went to the doctor yesterday and since it had been awhile, the nurse made me step on the shiny new electronic scale. I didn't get the 134 I was expecting - imagine my shock and awe when I found that my BMI had slipped towards the border between merely overweight and obese. Like most people in denial, I also told myself that the BMI measure is innacurate and unhelpful when it comes to my fitness plans, but let's get real here, people. It's spot on in my case. And after seeing that, I was feeling very badly indeed over the Peanut Chews and Wawa stuffed cheddar cheese pretzel I had on my way to the doc's office.

To make matters worse, in addition to a check-up, I had to ask my doctor to sign a "permission slip" for me to volunteer at a local hospital - I want to get some clinical experience if I can. Of course he wanted to know why I was interested in that position so I told him about my whacky med school plans. And do you know what he said? Probably not. Well, it was this: "I'm going to try as hard as I can to convince you otherwise."

I love my doctor. That being said, I felt very let down by the response. After some thought, though, it dawned on me that he was testing me. I still can't figure out whether or not that was the case - we talked at some length about my plans and my view of becoming a doctor at this point in healthcare history. He was surprised I wanted to become a D.O. (he is also one) and he was even more surprised that I kind of already knew what I was getting myself into. He made sure to point out that he LOVES being a doctor and didn't want me to think otherwise, but that there's a certain level of risk in taking on that kind of insane debt (roughly triple what I have now) and then not being completely sure what the healthcare field holds in terms of future jobs and salaries.

He's right. My rational mind knows this, and yet my "irrational" mind is saying, "It's just a test." I think to some degree, he wants to keep working against me on this because he wants to see if I've really got what it takes to do the med school thing - he reassured me that he believes I can do it, all the while pointing out the challenges and difficulties (lots of time away from the fam, lots of money, lots of sleeplessness...but hey, I'm sort of used to the small-scale version of all those things). So if I was a little irritated at first, I found myself being more grateful as I left the office and drove home - because these are the questions I should be asking myself over and over again. I need people to challenge my views and intentions because how else will I know if this is really my intended path?

So the good thing is I'm still feeling positive about the decision. The less-good thing is that I'm nearly obese and must get on this diet/exercise thing ASAP. I can predict the response I'll get from some of my larger-than-me friends, and to them I would like to say this: Just because I'm smaller than you doesn't mean I, too, don't have to lay flat on my back to get my jeans buttoned, so jump on this bandwagon with me and be supportive, dammit!

t.